The Government's (or what passes for one) bold scheme to repair the economy appears to be going tit's up at warp speed. So much so, that it has emerged top Government mandarin, Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus 'Wun Hung Lo' O'Donnell has privately urged part time PM David Cameroon to consider a fall-back plan if growth totally stalls.
Unnoficially known as the Zyklon 'B' plan it would be bought into play when the economy completely fails and nationwide civil unrest breaks out, scheduled for around mid-2011 according to Gus's bowel instincts, which to date have never let him down!
Rumours abound within Whitehall that most top civil service figures doubt George Osborne's two-bob cuts package will fix the economy as the bloke can hardly tie his own shoe laces, let alone save the economy!
The part time PM's official spokesperson,Fearne Cotton, gushed "It's quite normal for Dave to get a stiffy when I'm wearing me mini skirt.....oh, sorry about that....the Prime Minister, er Nick...no, hang on, Dave, or is it Vince...oh fuck it, whatever....always takes on board anyfink Gus tells him cause' he's a Sir like". She continued, "like Ministers ain't asked for advice on plan B like mainly cause they ain't be told abaht it. As far as they know the fucking plan we 'ave got is the right plan right?"
So what of Zyklon plan B and what does it entail? A leaked memo handed to one of our moles during last weeks Con-Lib Christmas Party at China Whites revealed the following. In the event that the UK goes into economic meltdown both Dave and Gus will summon any and all ministers to Number 10, including those from the opposition Labour Party plus the other part time PM, Nick wotsisname?
Each and every MP will be given a funny hat, a balloon and a Baileys and ice and ushered into the cabinet room. Despite the overall lack of space it is hoped that the party atmosphere and body contact will of course, make for a very relaxed state.
On the pretence of 'getting some more ice' both Sir Gus and Dave will nip into the kitchen,pull a switch and release deadly Zyklon B through the air conditioning ducts before making a bolt for it out of the back door. Two supercharged motorbikes wil be on standby to whisk them directly to London City Airport and a flight each to South America, "hasta la vista suckers!"
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley would do just about anything for a sherbert...but she WON'T do that!!!