David Dimbleby, the veteran BBC news & current affairs presenter, has been overlooked for the job of anchoring the BBC's coverage of the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Instead, the BBC has opted for the gravitas of Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield, with historical montages and anecdotes from Cambridge history scholar Charlie Gilmour. Gilmour is also expected to give viewers tips on how to roll a State Landau carriage and kick the fuck out of its occupants.
One insider at the BBC, who wished to remain nameless, told us "Dimbles has really spat the dummy and thrown all his toys out of his pram over this. He has always been the voice of the BBC on affairs of state. He first cut his teeth on Henry VIII's six weddings, followed by the beheading of Charles I. After that, he covered the funeral of George III and the deflowering of Victoria. He would have covered the death of Diana, but it was August bank holiday weekend".
The BBC insider went on to say, "Dimbles isn't finished by any means. He's still got a few gigs left in him. So far, we've booked him to cover the second coming of the Queen Mother and the dissolution of the monarchy, which is expected to occur about six months into the reign of Charles & Camilla".
A Buckingham Palace spokesman said, "Britton and Schofield? That's what happens when you freeze the fucking licence fee!"