Written by Rob Stimpson
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Monday, 13 December 2010

The British Army has unveiled a new fast-track scheme in which any appropriate new recruit can be automatically promoted to the rank of Major if they have a penchant for spicy food. During these testing times in the war against terror it has become painfully clear that millions of gallant warriors line our streets and occupy our lives, yet they are filled with a melancholy angst, knowing as they do that their credentials suit a far higher rank than that of the lowly Private. Now, though, these frustrated heroes have final been given their rightful chance to show the extent of their gallantry.

Having noted this situation, the Army has confirmed that a liking for specific dishes such as vindaloo, phaal curry, anything with horrible little chili peppers in it, Caribbean jerk dishes and Sichuan hot pot will offer men and women of steel across the nation their rightful rank. Indeed, if the applicant enjoys consuming these dishes while sweating profusely, suffering from severe discomfort and having to drink a litre of water just to prevent blistering in the mouth, then they are guaranteed acceptance into the British Army as a Major without having to pass any form of physical training test.

In a statement, an Army spokesman said: "It has come to our attention that there is a certain calibre of person walking the streets of Britain, the type of person who is evidently made of granite and steel, who is letting their bravery and heroism go to waste. These Gods among mortals can eat the worlds spiciest dishes and ignore the fact that they aren't actually enjoying the dining experience. Moreover, these noble people then rightly mock those beneath them who opted for milder dishes because they simply wanted to have a pleasant, comfortable evening. We need these people in the Army at once."

So, for the good of the country, if you find yourself in a restaurant with a person sweating profusely and with a swollen tongue lambasting everybody else for being so pathetic, tell them that they should join the Army post haste, because their bravery and courage are needed in the theatre of war.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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