Written by Rob Stimpson
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Topics: Fashion, UK, disease, JLS

Monday, 13 December 2010

A new fashion craze is sweeping the country faster than the Black Death, with the potential consequences being quoted as 'equally as disastrous.' Those most in danger are teenage boys and young adult men, who are being targeted by High Street stores pushing a range of outfits under the term "JLS", which stands for 'Just Laughably Shit.'

According to medical experts, the process begins with a basic form of brainwashing, in which normal, regular men are led to believe that hideous clothes in ridiculous combinations actually look good. This is primarily achieved through a drip-feeding process via certain celebrities on television and in Heat magazine. Or More magazine. Or Look magazine. Or Cosmopolitan....magazine. Or Shite magazine.

When these images are combined with encouraging words from females, the affected men begin the steady descent into JLS. The guilty women feel no shame, though, because they aren't the ones who are going to look like absolute dicks.

Eventually, the poor unfortunate men will be clad in the most ridiculous, unashamedly contrived and chuckle inducing outfits this side of the 80s.

To date victims have been seen wearing:

- tight, shiny leather trousers with an equally tight white vest

- drop-crotch jeans, banana jeans or carrot jeans (if you don't know what these are or why they are named as such then you are obviously an idiot and hella uncool)

- scoop neck t-shirts with a neckline that reaches down to the base of the sternum in order to show off a hairless, well built chest, with perfectly defined pecs, with a slight application of baby oil to add that masculine shine

- a selection of brightly coloured braces, worn with one brace up over the right shoulder, and the other brace hanging limply down, naturally

- waistcoats worn over T-shirts

- bright yellow cardigans

- check shirts with purple, green, black, yellow and red all thrown in there because they all compliment each other so well, done all the way up and worn untucked with those previously mentioned food related jeans tucked into garishly coloured high top basketball trainers

- white trilby hats

- white trousers

- fluorescent plimsolls

- just anything that's fluorescent. Retina burning fluorescent. And it doesn't have to match, just thrown together like there's been an explosion in a glow-stick factory, or an exotic bird has vomited all over them

- all trousers must be tucked into some kind of boot

- T-shirts with built in scarfs, because T-shirt weather naturally necessitates the need for a scarf.

- Oh, and sleeveless hoodies. With a zip. Undone. To just below the perfectly defined pecs. Which gleam. With baby oil.

When the victims are dressed in this manner they are at their most vulnerable. Other normal men and women see them out in public in these outfits and all hell breaks loose. Men attack the victims in a blind rage as the colour combinations start to burn their eyes, or in other instances to protect their friends who have fallen to the floor in fits of laughter, which continues unabated until they are in very real danger of rupturing their spleen.

Women, on the other hand, see these men in these outfits and become incensed that the bodies underneath are not perfectly waxed, perfectly toned and sculpted and perfectly perfect. They are in fact rather hairy, pale and carrying pouches of fat. When this scene reveals itself the women leap on the poor victims and literally pull at his face with nails and teeth in order to remove it.

It is believed that this fashion will only go out of fashion when it isn't fashionable anymore with the fashionable types who read fashion magazines. Until then, though, it has been advised to either keep these outfits locked away safely in your homes, or just don't buy them in the first place.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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