Written by Jack Melling
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Monday, 13 December 2010

As local councils across the UK await funding cuts from the coalition government, it has been revealed by government sources that Eric Pickles will be allowed to eat homeless families as part of the new Localism bill.

Under the new bill councils will not be obliged to house homeless families and instead they will be transported to Mr Pickles' house where he will eat them.

Speaking on the bill while scoffing two meat pies, mashed potato, chips, a curry, sausages, black pudding, three fried eggs, onion rings, doughnuts and some Haribo, the Communities Secretary said, "It's not the government's responsibility to house the poor and those in need of help, but it is their responsibility to ensure that important people like myself are fed properly."

He continued, "Nobody wants to see homeless families on the streets and nobody likes being homeless and poor, so we felt the best thing to do was send all homeless families to my house where they will be cooked and eaten by myself."

He finished by saying, "I have taken what David and George have said into consideration and understand we all have to make sacrifices during this economic crisis. My sacrifice is giving up eating traditional meat and instead feasting on homeless families."

Commenting on Mr Pickles' plans, Prime Minister David Cameron was full of praise for his selfless attitude towards cutting the deficit.

He said, "Eric is a true patriot for this country, possibly even a hero. He is the perfect person to have standing up against the gluttonous and greedy individuals that got us into this mess in the first place."

Mr Cameron later went on to say that he too would be making sacrifices. Instead of hiring a personal assistant, he would be appointing Nick Clegg to do the job as part of his role as Deputy Prime Minister.

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