Written by Damien Fastidium
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Monday, 13 December 2010

Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, has been replaced in the Cabinet following a vote of no confidence in the House of Commons. Despite being a major presence in the Conservative Party for over twenty years, Tory MPs felt that using Eric Pickles to promote a message of austerity and self-control was akin to the disastrous decisions to appoint Paris Hilton to push the Government's new 'higher skills' programme and asking David Chaytor to lead the clean-up of the expenses system.

When asked if he thought we'd seen the back of Pickles, Labour leader Ed Miliband said "Difficult to tell - the man looks pretty much the same from all angles due to his corpulent and practically spherical structure".

Prime Minister Dave 'Thatcher? - I'll match her!' Cameron said to concerned Tory supporters "Don't worry, the way this usually works is that ex-MPs are required to spend several penitent months in the political wilderness considering their mistakes and racking up a few cushy 'advisory' roles with consultants bidding for Government work before being quietly re-hired again by the Government. This Government have no intention of breaking from this proud tradition." Nick Clegg was heard mumbling about Mr Cameron supporting his Tory friends over

Opinion is divided as to whether Eric Pickles still has a strong enough support base to expedite his return to frontline politics or whether the crowds of people constantly swarming around him are simply trapped in a gravitational orbit.

Either way, until he returns, politics has lost one of its true heavyweights.


From Damien Fastidium in Northern England

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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