Gloucestershire - (Murder, She Croaked!): The orders come amid mounting fears impostors have taken over the identities of Princes William and Harry.
This morning a fleet of Royal Perks Agency bulldozers were put on standby for a spot of exhumation at Prince Charles' bunker at Highgrove.
The move follows WikiLeaks disclosures that Wills and Harry were shot by their father in a cocaine-fuelled binge circa 1986.
Terrified UK Prime Monster Mrs Thatcher then ordered some immediate replacements from the Tory stable of halfwit doppelgangers.
These were hastily inserted as royal shoo-ins regardless of their parentage, provenance or family hystery of criminal insanity.
The new Prince William was commandeered from a foster family looking after Tony Blair's brat by JK Rowling.
And little gingertop Harry from a foreign young lady who had a fertile one night shag with up-and-coming Tory snake-in-the-grass 'Big' Dave Cameron.
That means Mr Cameron's now has a brother whose royal wedding next year he has just pimped - as well as a 'replacement' royal heir in Harry should things get tricky in the lineage department.
Royal Protection Racket cops have a hell of a lot to answer.