Eric Pickles, dropped into Westminster from his Pig farm in Harrogate, and announced the great news for everyone of Council Cuts of 29% around the country. 'This is marvellous news' chimed Fatty Arbuckle, Pickles's cousin 'I shall be able to collect all the food thrown away and not removed by Councils and make myself even fatter and grosser than dear Eric'.
Pickles was at pains, however, to dismiss Fatty's dream world as pure fantasy. 'As we cut down on Local Government the Big Society will emerge and solve all our problems. Out of work graduates will flock onto the streets as volunteers ready to remove rubbish, the Women's Institute - when not posing naked for their next Calendar - will run all the welfare services and old people will be visited by young hoodies who cannot find a job.'
This wonderful image of the future was questioned by Town Halls throughout the country. 'We have always had a volunteer army running charity shops and helping out in many ways' explained the Mayor of Ashby de la Zouche 'but there's a limit to these good works. If we are not careful we will return to the 19th century when there was no State provision for those in need. It will be back to the Poor Law.'
'What's wrong with that?' asked Sir Humprey Quinton-Hogg 'we need a bit of backbone in this country. Back to the good old days when we ran an Empire and were Champions of the World'.
So our modern progressive Conservatism follows a great tradition.
'Stop that moaning!' shouted an enraged Pickles 'and celebrate the age of Bigness.'