In a rush SPECIAL EDITION, The Daily Mail has announced the Prince of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Co-Respondent, will continue their round of public events after a brazen failed attempt to assassinate their Rolls Royce.
Drawing excessively on fawning adjectives to describe the Royal Couple, the Mail assures readers 'Charles and Camilla have vowed never again to show the fear and shock captured on their faces as vulgar yobs swarmed their motorcade', which the Mail then agitates readers by characterising as having been hoisted in the air and tossed it into the Thames while the fearless Royals patriotically recited Churchill's Finest Hour speech.
"Heroic Camilla has tripled her Botox regime, to maintain an air of frozen dignity not seen since Queen Mary," writes DM sob sister Greta Brun-Nauser. "While Charles plans to redouble his efforts to think only about himself at all times. Underclass vermin can hurl rocks or rockets or even sequin clad Rockettes -- but not even GM tomatoes will dislodge that detached, slightly mournful repose from the face of our next King!"
In full umbrage, the Mail then announces 'the valourous Prince' and his 'fair lady, our nation's beloved future Queen' will 'demonstrate all that is great about this country' as they run a public gauntlet fraught with security perils when they attend Breakfast with Santa at Hamley's.
"Can there be," the Mail asks no one on particular in an editorial, "a more perilous environment than a toy store packed with unruly children just days before Christmas? The nimble little mob, frenzied with greed and sugar, surely represent a peril as wide as it is tall. We have not seen bravery of such proportion since George VI and Queen Elizabeth set out to the East End the day after one of those awful nights during the Blitz."
The online version of the SPECIAL EDITION has stirred the rabid venom of regular Mail commenters to new paroxysms of frenzied mania. The Mail's servers crashed under a torrent of unhinged finger pointing that most popularly blames the attack on the welfare state, FIFA, the Germans, or an organised network of Polish chambermaids in the country illegally.
The Mail also urges readers to 'show support for the lionhearted Royals, as well as firefighters and traditional British values', by purchasing a specially marketed commemorative plate.
Managing Editress Ute Fyction concedes the coverage will cease instantly in the event a celebrity acts out, falls off the wagon, kicks a child or gets laid.