The nation's music fanatics can't get enough of 2010 X Factor Winner, the casually-rumpled squeaking nincompoop Matt Cardle, writes Esmerelda Bell, Artificially-Induced Tousling and Hunched Anaemic Unshaven Slimey-Arsed Karaoke Correspondent for Toss Magazine.
Cardle, a part-time cardigan tester and toy trainset porter from Upper Prickworth in Essex, shuffled and simpered as only he can when the result was announced in front of nearly 20 million couch potatoes on Sunday night, and then, always the louche kitchen-sink lothario, ever the philandering chancer next door, he went over and groped his defeated rival, Liver-Bird Loser and Kindergarten Billie Holliday Rebecca Ferguson.
There wasn't a dry knicker on the nation's gin-stained sagging sofas when Cardle, resplendent in Cor Blimey Moleskin Trousers and a Barrow Boy Poodle Faker's "Hit Me On The Fat Head With A Baseball Bat" Cap, opened the final show by shrieking through a Leona Lewis Medley in the inimitable and intoxicating "Bit Of A Lad" Pub Singer Castrato style that never fails to leave a Post-Imperial Self-Parody Of A Nation's Hapless Harridans Stewing In Their Own Rancid Juices.
They simply loved Matt, as he took Limply Husky Living Doll Ferguson and infantile dripping-wet mop-flop dollyboy troupe First Erection to the cleaners. It was a truly momentous moment. Here, at last, was a true Hero of Mediocre Mimicry the screeching hordes could take to their hearts, and our X-Factor Fans' Forum tells its own torrid tale:
From The Toss X Factor Fans' Forum:
Hilary "Hills", Berkshire: Matt you are true. I said from the first when you lit up our screens in August that you were the winner. There will always be those who glory hunt in the wake of your halo, like the herrings that encircle the magnificent storm-tossed oilrigs of the Baltic. Your touching voice encapsulates the fragile pity and horror of every second of your songs whose every second is so pitiful and horrorful and innocent and never listen to those who glory seek in your footlights Matt my dear fragile hero and true musician.
Gunther: Matt you are so amazing. Seven sixteenths of Germany was watching you in your pantaloons and the hunching with the whiskers. Music Is Coming Home!
ULT_Nimboy: Matt man you's are top! I knew yous wud win from the startt. If it wernt for you I would of not watched X Factor. Go Matt! Conker the worlld wiv you's talent an stubbel. To this site moduratur - dont you think this site wud be better if Matts pic's wer of updated more. I rate Matt as a simple guy but the great name's of showbiz aint too keen to simplicitiefy; Catsh my drift? Seen as how I wud of not watched X Factor if Matt wud of not bin on - Get new Matt pics dude!
Roland, Braintree: Young Sir, let me congratulate you! I and my spouse of half a century have not seen the likes since at least the hay days of Matt Monro at al. Who says the days of true talent are over? We recall when Kenneth McKellar stood in just a kilt and sang "Donald Where's Your Troosers" to a roomful of Glasgow dockers. You Matt have the same gift as he, Reg Varney or Tommy Steele, only with a youth slant of today.
Ninni: New youd of won my Matt. Wow Matt! Called 129 times just so's to make sure youd of won. I have a pre ordure of your singull for 7 copie's I love you so much. Them as who had of been doin a Facebook Camping agaynst you have a shock comin cos you deswurve a number 1 hit and to desruve yore win. Love you!
Luci: Hya Matt. So glad you won you were the real talent. Just one thing - don't trust that sleaseball Simon Cowell he's not interested in real music and just wants to exploit you for a quick buck. Remember the other winners where are they now?
Gosser: Mate I know youse guy's dont read this but your the nut's mate, I will of been gettin your albumen for deffo, first I ever bought. I hate music but I love your'e shit. You gotta include the Any Umbrellaz song on it though my gran lov'z it its the dogz!
jenni jenni: Matt I have never of been a music fan and never buyed an album but I will buy yor'es for sure I hate musi'c and yo're sing'ing touche's something that no music can ever touch.
Cecily "Cess" Pitt: Watched him from the off when he sang My Old Man's A Dustbin and was spellbound. Love the cardigans and the caps, very Gilbert & Sullivan, loved it all, he even shuffles like them. His rendition that fair day really stood him up from the crowd of auditioneerings. Right after his lovely judge Danny, decided, to choose, him, fo0r on, of her, final, threesomes, for the final I was a fan. I preceeded then to follw Matt throughout the compostition and his effnormances were outstanding above the other compositors. I was particularly fond of his erfnormances of hit me with your rhythm stick, underneath the arches and the Max Bygraves Medleys (the irony of careless hands for such a metticulos erfnormer is not lost on me). Also knights in white satin, his voice is extrudinery, extrudine. As soon as he opens his mouth, I fall in love with it, he desreves to have one the x factor. Matt I love yoor voyc it is soo oonique. YTore voyze is truly ewnique and what you have acheeved it is the onely beguineing. It is youer trooly younique voise which is so beaufitul and amazning and eweneeque that I yours truly love. I also loved yore bong of friendships with Adrian Grimsdale may it be pre-served alwayz it is youare voice that I love becenauze it is trooly uttrerely troo and trooly truuley trooly truoewe and ewenuiqeqxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Gubinz: Matt the Twatt in The Twatts Hatt Yer A Twatt I hope you go far - as far as poss you Mong you Twatt!
[Moderator: You're barred sunshine!]