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Saturday, 11 December 2010

image for More Violent Student Protests as Rampage Spreads to Berks
Keiran Moppet, 3, weaponizes Counting Maracas during a riot at Whoopsie Days-ie Nursery

Violence by outraged students spread to Berkshire today, as twenty-three toddlers ran riot under the mistaken belief David Cameron's government planned to increase school pees.

"I don't want to go potty!" screamed 3-year old Violet Babby. "I want to play pony!"

Bursting into tears, the pre-schooler began a kicking, screaming sit in, seizing control of the stain resistant carpeting that is the setting for Story Circle Time at the Whoopsie Day-sy Nursery. She was joined in solidarity by twins April and Amelia Stripling, aged 4, who, enraged, began slapping and pulling hair before realising they had turned on one another.

"These little moments can gather momentum," sighed Head Care Giver Verity Chearefulle. "One little upset and everyone gets a bit unsettled. But never mind, I think we'll just delay nature walk for now and let everyone work through it!"

Within moments, a mob of little ones was wailing in unison, spilling out of the story circle and into the sand box, holing up behind an improvised barricade of friendly stuffed animals, brightly coloured building blocks and water-resistant nap maps.

"Me doan wan more pees!" shrieked Eliot Littlebairn, two and half and struggling to transition successfully from training pants. "Me doan wan go more peas!"

"I'm not worried about book burnings or anything. The children are all very clear that we don't play with matches. But you will excuse me, I see Georgie Shaver is tearing pages out of Harry the Happy Helicopter Needs a Plaster."

The protest dwindled as the little darlings cried themselves to sleep and before riot police arrived. No arrests were made.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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