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Saturday, 11 December 2010

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Students rampaging over increased school fees are being strung even higher by accusations they are also looters, anarchists, and arsonists following last night's epic temper tantrum in central London.

"All we are trying to do is point out it is so unjust to impose these cost increases on our parents," said Kayla Pratt, an 18-year old student from economically deprived Surrey. "I gather it's very expensive. I'm sure I heard my mum say it is, but I was wearing my iPod."

"Point is," said her mate Lauren Wayne-Kerr, a hard luck case from west Kent, "all those people doing awful things and behaving like awful yobs were actual awful yobs, not us. All these people just showed up and started damaging things and stuff. We don't actually know them. One of them nicked my iPad. They had terrible accents. And babies. I think they were chavs. Or from the North. That's where Chavstershire is, yeah? Right there next to Yorkshirestere, I'm pretty sure anyway."

"University students are very sensible people in society and its future leaders, as well," said 19-year old student Jordan-David Foule. "We do important things, like talk about the environment, and Tweet. I was raised to believe I can do anything. After my gap year in Goa I plan to be Chief Executive of Hamley's, so why would I participate in smashing it's windows?"

"I study explainable development," offered Kaitlyn-Molly Coddle. "You know, things like how to fuel a bicycle with brown rice and cider and if there's a way recycle dryer lint and what you'd do with it if there were. Or is. Or do I study engineering? Anyway, I can't make a difference if my parents have to pay higher school fees and twenty-per cent VAT on iTunes and higher gas bills, because I really can't study in a cold house and I can't always find my Uggs in my room at home anyway. So that's what we're protesting. It isn't fair to blame all this rubbish and burning business on us. We're trying to make our world a better place! And I don't like being lied about. My friends didn't attack the Prince of Wales' car. A pub doesn't even have a car, anyway, so that's just stupid."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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