Prime Minister David Cameron is moving aggressively in a bid to restore order as rioting students trash central London.
"He's delighted, as a Conservative Prime Minister, to have a war to fight," said Peregrine Sympring-Knobb, an old school friend from the Bullingdon Club, now serving as spokesperson at Number 10. "And in line with tradition, he has ordered Dame Vera Lynn to soothe the anxious masses by giving a free concert in Berkeley Square."
To ensure Dame Vera's safety, she will sing whilst suspended from a black helicopter capable of hoisting her above the fray at a moment's notice.
Additionally, recalling the prominent role the Royal Family played in chilling the great British public during the last legal war, Cameron has asked Princess Anne to appear amongst the students, giving them the famous stink eye that once reduced Idi Amin to a sobbing, incontinent hysteric. Cameron is said to be deciding whether to deploy the Princess via podcast or, as she is believed to prefer, by launching her into the crowds directly, off the deck of the ballistic missile submarine HMS Vanguard.
"David is so wise, you see," Sympring-Knobb told reporters. "He knows this hooliganism is very bad when there's no match on. It's one thing to get completely pissed and trash a restaurant for a lark, so long as you've got the cash to make restitution on the spot. But now that poor Christmas Tree in Trafalgar Square is just a smouldering stump and nobody's offered to pay for anything. And attacking the Prince of Wales! I think that's best left to the Earl Spencer, don't you?"
The riots in central London have so far left a trail of destruction, particularly in the smart parts, which obviously isn't on in quarters where decisions are made. Unconfirmed reports hold that Prince Philip has order his guns brought down to London from Balmoral in order to defend personally Buckingham Palace. Royal watchers believe this is likely after Sarah, Doshless of York, had her Cornish Pastry stand towed from Green Park to Knightsbridge. She is believed to have told inconvenienced customers "He'd love a chance to get off a shot at me and hide behind defence of the realm."
Cameron is said to have approved the Dame Vera-Princess Royal assault plan, dubbed operation Ugly Step Sisters, at an undisclosed secure location, which all things considered is definitely not located in London.
"He's quite clever, David is, really," cooed Sympring-Knobb, "and this is why he's almost leading this country. Though obviously, he's not quite as clever as Nick Clegg or he wouldn't have Nick Clegg glued to his gorgeous plump, pink arse. There's one ripe for a debagging. I wish I was Nick Clegg some days. I haven't seen David's arse since uni."