Written by Dax L'Amour
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Topics: Scotland, Haggis

Friday, 10 December 2010

image for Lad in Scotland vows to "Get to the bottom of this Haggis craze"
Haggis in a drum

Ian MacAfferty, 17, of Dumbarton announced on Wednesday to the BBC that he plans to "get to the bottom of this haggis craze".

Young Mr. MacAfferty plans to prove that the origin and the adaptation of haggis into the Scottish cuisine is "all a plot cooked up by those dirty Brits to undermine the health and mental condition of all the clans".

Haggis is a dish of sheep's lungs, heart, windpipe, kidneys, liver, sphincter, oats, and onions stuffed inside the stomach of the animal, then cooked. Usually, the animal is dead before this process begins.

MacAfferty told our reporter that he had uncovered some "specific information" in the Scottish National Archives in Edinburgh.

"Letters from King John to a turncoat Scot revealed that the Brits were behind it all along", says MacAfferty.

"The Brits, without such things as trash bags, used the sheep stomach to place all their discarded animal parts in. When it got full, they just tossed it out to the dogs."

MacAfferty went on to tell us: "then he had propaganda sent out to all the Clans, saying this was a nutritious dish, was an extremely powerful aphrodisiac, and increased the size of one's manhood. Scots, whose sole mission in life is to out-populate the Brits, fell for it with great exuberance, thus our crazy fetish with haggis".

Angus MacTavish, a local post carrier related: "True, i'tis that we love haggis. But, I dunna think m'wife ever got randy from it, nor do I think m'member grew but a wee bit in 50 years of eating haggis"

However, there are a few lads within the clans that claim to have noticed "a wee bit of length under m'kilt".

Hamish Dundee, a classmate of MacAfferty claims: "Aye, I love et. Et makes m'sporran stand oot".

The jury is still out on this one.

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