Written by Rob Stimpson
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Thursday, 9 December 2010

Megalomaniac media mogul multi-millionaire Simon Cowell announced today at a press conference that under fire FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be a celebrity guest judge for the X-Factor Final on Saturday night.

The decision was initially met with fierce criticism, with most skeptics pointing out that Mr. Blatter has no credentials to be judging a karaoke competition and simply shouldn't be there, to which Mr. Cowell simply responded "well Danni Minogue is on the panel and what the fuck has she ever done?"

Every journalist simultaneously responded with a "true dat", but continued to press for answers, unconvinced as they were with the choice seeing as previous celebrity judges this series have included Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger.

It was at this stage that Mr. Cowell stood up and claimed that he was going to "simply cut to the chase", claiming that "the X-Factor wants its corruption and result fixing to be completely transparent, we want our fans to know with question that they are literally being spoon fed music and artists that are deemed to be cool and cutting edge by middle aged men in offices."

After complete silence had descended over the ravenous journalists, Mr. Cowell continued that "Sepp Blatter is president of arguably the most corrupt organisation in the world. He's a special talent, and his performance during the World Cup bidding decision last week simply took my breath away. It was the most assured, composed and confident display of shameless corruption I have ever seen; it was the best audition I have ever seen. I knew that if we had him on board for the final show on Saturday then there was no way that the public votes would have any say in the result: Sepp will take of things in his own way, allowing us to choose which ever contestant we feel will make us most money."

Cowell then gave the salivating media the finger and disappeared under a cloud of smoke. Representatives of the X-Factor then slithered their way throught the crowd reassuring them that people should still pay to vote in their millions as anything could happen on the night.*

*Your interpretation of 'anything could happen on the night' may be different to that of Simon Cowell's.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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