Written by IainB
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Thursday, 9 December 2010

image for Police admit 'Murderers are not rational'
Won't be heard on Bonfire Night

After a five year study into UK murders Greater Manchester police have come to the conclusion that people who commit murder are irrational.

"We have monitored the murders over the past five years," said detective inspector Jim Taggart. "What this has shown is that people rarely engage their brain when committing murders."

The UK has about fifty murders a year, and out of these, forty-five are solved, the remaining five being gang related, and the police are happy for the gang members to whittle down their own numbers.

"If people were sensible when committing murder, they wouldn't be caught," said Taggart. "For example, the best time to murder somebody is November the fifth, when there are plenty of fireworks going off to mask a gun shot, and there are sufficient bonfires in the area that one more guy would not attract comment or interest to help disposal of the body."

Additionally, people tend to murder people that they have a problem with, allowing police to narrow down the list of suspects to a very small pool.

"Killing somebody you've never met is a far better bet for getting away with it," said Taggart. "If you don't know the victim, chances are, we're not going to know you."

This method only works with one murder, however.

"If you intend to become a serial killer," Taggart continued, "then the way you locate your victims will eventually allow us to identify you by whose paths the victims crossed. So multiple murders will be your undoing. We even caught Shipman. Eventually."

Taggart had one more final nugget of information from the study. "If people stop and think before murdering somebody, they probably wouldn't commit the crime. QED: only the irrational commit murder."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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