The EU has introduced ground-breaking regulations which, finally, take the danger out of Christmas. A raft of new legislation has been produced by Brussels, which is now being distributed to all EU member nations by President Herman Van Rumpypumpy's little helpers.
First up is the Pyrotechnics Act 2010, which categorises the humble Christmas cracker as a Class 1 firework. This means that crackers will only be available for purchase by persons aged 16 or over.
Personal protective equipment, namely safety goggles and gloves, are required to be worn when crackers are being pulled. Persons found throwing crackers, or stuffing them through letter boxes, will be liable to prosecution.
Next up is the Child Safety Act (Christmas Revision, 2010), which bans Santas from all public places.
The encouragement of children sitting on a stranger's lap and accepting gifts is deemed to contravene all current child safety guidance.
Social services departments have been given sweeping new powers to seize any child who is seen to be engaging in such risky behaviour.
Then there is the Fowl Goods Act (Turkey Amendment, 2010), which outlaws the existence of the favourite Christmas dinner in its present form.
Turkeys will no longer be called turkeys, as it is still a sore point that the country Turkey is still waiting for EU membership, which is being denied on the basis of human rights abuses and the fact that the Turks produce better and cheaper wine than the French.
In order to avoid inflaming Turkish sensibilities, and the likely ensuing terrorist attacks by disgruntled fundamentalists, the turkey will be renamed Ken Clarke, who has more chins than an ex-Bernard Matthews turkey.
And last, but not least, is the Anti-Discrimination Act (Nativity Amendment, 2010), which bans any reference being made to wise men and virgins, so as not to offend the people of Essex.
It is hoped that such a move will make Basildon and Romford safer places during the festive season, rather than their usual resemblance to the Gaza Strip.