Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 8 December 2010

image for Royal Wedding Merchandising Bans To Be Strictly Enforced
The Market Trader's Princess Pictured In Happier Days. Before She Got a Kilt. Sorry - Killed.

The Palace is determined that next year's Royal nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton will remain a tat souvenir free zone.

Previously, royal wedding ceremonies have provided a lucrative free market for entrepreneurial purveyors of 'utter shite' - with all manner of crap hitting market stalls and car boot sales across the nation.

Offering things such as Princess Di pisspots, Prince Charles ceremonial 'talk to a plant today' dictaphones, and 'Royals throughout history in their underwear' souvenir tea towels, doorstoppers, toilet rolls, and salt and pepper shakers.

And about seven billion 'limited edition' royal wedding coffee mugs.

Well, this time, the Palace isn't having it, and rules will be ruthlessly enforced to prevent purveyors of cheap Dickinson's Real Deal type car boot sale tat from flooding the market, with offenders against the voluntary code of conduct to be incarcerated in the Tower Of London - before being beheaded by a hooded mad bastard with a big axe.

Not all are happy with the 'good taste' agreement though. Tat merchant and kebab van entrepreneur, Ali Bullo told Skoob News:

"Is all bollocks, this, innit matey. Me get me mate Dave from Manchester Cheetham Hill to print tee-shirts, tea towels, bog rolls, tampons, condoms, spark plugs, dishwasher tablets and pet foods with royal wedding pictures. Now them say I can no sell. Them say if do sell, them send big tattooed bastards from down Bethnal Green to break head up. Bastards. Mind you you - is no surprise them is mean spirited bastards - them really Greek and Kraut innit? Them about as bladdy proper English as wot me am. Ya know wot I'm sayin'?"

Ali Bullo was paid £1.34p for this interview.

He wanted to ensure that everything was on the level.

Innit. Peeps.

More as we get it.

From Skoob News's Royal Correspondent, Henry Basterdson of York.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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