Written by ExiledRoyal
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Topics: Panda

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

image for New Forest Lapland park owners 'could have made £1m'
Crap attraction

A Lapland park in the New Forest promised a winter wonderland but visitors instead found fairy lights strewn across trees and a broken ice rink, a court has heard. Brothers Victor Mears, 67, and Henry Mears, 60, deny misleading thousands of customers into visiting the Lapland New Forest attraction.

Instead of a "bustling Christmas market" punters found two food stalls selling German sausages and a choice of turkey or pork and stuffing baguettes. The ice rink was faulty and instead of a "magical tunnel of light" all there was were fairy lights strung across trees.

The court heard that they could have made a million pounds through the dud attraction, although no money is to be found.

However we have discovered that, in fact, the money has been moved offshore and has been reinvested.

The Mears brothers have started up at least two new 'attractions'.

Our reporter, Hannibal Lectern, first visited "The Minature Seven Wonders of the World" in Cardiff. "There was a small waterfall pouring over a hanging basket, and a couple of upside down Toblerones. Pretty much it, really."

Then there was a 'Filipino Festival', in Hackney. Hannibal tells us, "There was a fibreglass volcano erupting with several tons of sticky foam every 15 minutes. A line of Samoan dancers in grass skirts and tribal markings (male & female) took to the stage to dance to that well-known Samoan/Filipino classic, "Achey-Breaky Heart".

Finally I went to see the main attraction: the giant pandas, which was a half-hour trek up to Clapton Pond up the Balls Pond Road, and when I got there it was obvious they were people dressed in Panda suits. In fact one was missing and the other turned around and did a huge poo."

The case continues.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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