Reports from Yorkshire today indicate that a famous scribe known the world over as "The Yorkshire Kidd", and to his close friends as "Birbee" is recovering in a secret location after surviving 9 days in a snowed in pub only existing on an endless buffet consisting of alcohol, sex , and high protein gourmet meals!
Interviewed from his hospital bed, Birbee said he had stopped by "The Lyin Pub", located on Blakey Ridge, Kirbymoorside , 'fer a bit of cheer and a wee snack' before heading home on foot.
"Then, it started to snow," said the pale victim, " and snow, and snow some more! By the time I wanted to leave we had 16' drifts blocking the door and covering up all the windows, and me the only customer stranded with the 7 females, including the 3 waitresses, 2 cooks, the barmaid, and the hat check girl who was disappointed that me friend Skoob never showed up!"
Birbee said at first it was fun and part of a 'big adventure...the kind me mates Victor and Erskine always go on about in their travel series."
Things got a little strained when the group wore out all the usually board games, and decided to play "Truth or Consequences".
"Well, things got a little risque, you know. As a crack reporter, I know just the right questions to axe, and it wasn't long till I discovered that the girls suffered from Vestiphobia and 2 were plagued with Scoleciphobia!
"Naturally, me being a trained sex therapist with a PhD, one thing led to another as I counseled the girls and helped them get over their phobia of clothes and worms. Firstly, they all got out of their clothes with little coaxing, and within a few moments the two that were afraid of worms were fondling mine and cooing over it. Just another successful intervention as far as I was concerned!"
Birbee said unfortunately since he had now liberated them, the girls became insatiable plying him with drinks, 5* gourmet meals and forcing him to participate in exotic sex games including role playing wearing elaborate costumes and assuming fictitious names.
Said Birbee as his eyes glassed over in memory, " It was like being Featured Writer for a fortnight......here I was a Sex Object being randomly passed around!"
Birbee said he realized he would soon be a dead man if he didn't escape before all his strength was down.
" I waited till all the girls were asleep, pulled out a soup spoon I had stolen from the Vichyssoise they served at dinner, opened the door a crack and began to tunnel me way out. Once I got some space I struck out for town. If it wasn't fer me new square toed blue shoes I'd been a gonner fer sure. The fact I had lost 3 stone helped too, as I only sunk in about 4 inches....them shoes sure did save me life...I don't care what me mates say...Bastards!"
The attending physician Mohammed Singh said Birbee will need at least a week more in hospital before being released, and will be required to apply the topical genital gel for at least 2 more weeks before the blisters heal, leaving no permanent scarring.
Said Mohammed, " Physically the patient will recover fully. It's his mental state I'm concerned about...poor bloke was almost F*****d to death...not easy getting over that, innit, even in Yorkshire!"