Written by Morse
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Sex, Yorkshire

Sunday, 5 December 2010

image for Snowed in Yorkshire Kid Lucky to be Alive After Ordeal Isolated in Pub with Open Bar and 7 Waitresses!
Captured on Cam: Birbee Breaks Out of Captivity Thanks to Blue Suede Snow Shoes!

Reports from Yorkshire today indicate that a famous scribe known the world over as "The Yorkshire Kidd", and to his close friends as "Birbee" is recovering in a secret location after surviving 9 days in a snowed in pub only existing on an endless buffet consisting of alcohol, sex , and high protein gourmet meals!

Interviewed from his hospital bed, Birbee said he had stopped by "The Lyin Pub", located on Blakey Ridge, Kirbymoorside , 'fer a bit of cheer and a wee snack' before heading home on foot.

"Then, it started to snow," said the pale victim, " and snow, and snow some more! By the time I wanted to leave we had 16' drifts blocking the door and covering up all the windows, and me the only customer stranded with the 7 females, including the 3 waitresses, 2 cooks, the barmaid, and the hat check girl who was disappointed that me friend Skoob never showed up!"

Birbee said at first it was fun and part of a 'big adventure...the kind me mates Victor and Erskine always go on about in their travel series."

Things got a little strained when the group wore out all the usually board games, and decided to play "Truth or Consequences".

"Well, things got a little risque, you know. As a crack reporter, I know just the right questions to axe, and it wasn't long till I discovered that the girls suffered from Vestiphobia and 2 were plagued with Scoleciphobia!

"Naturally, me being a trained sex therapist with a PhD, one thing led to another as I counseled the girls and helped them get over their phobia of clothes and worms. Firstly, they all got out of their clothes with little coaxing, and within a few moments the two that were afraid of worms were fondling mine and cooing over it. Just another successful intervention as far as I was concerned!"

Birbee said unfortunately since he had now liberated them, the girls became insatiable plying him with drinks, 5* gourmet meals and forcing him to participate in exotic sex games including role playing wearing elaborate costumes and assuming fictitious names.

Said Birbee as his eyes glassed over in memory, " It was like being Featured Writer for a fortnight......here I was a Sex Object being randomly passed around!"

Birbee said he realized he would soon be a dead man if he didn't escape before all his strength was down.

" I waited till all the girls were asleep, pulled out a soup spoon I had stolen from the Vichyssoise they served at dinner, opened the door a crack and began to tunnel me way out. Once I got some space I struck out for town. If it wasn't fer me new square toed blue shoes I'd been a gonner fer sure. The fact I had lost 3 stone helped too, as I only sunk in about 4 inches....them shoes sure did save me life...I don't care what me mates say...Bastards!"

The attending physician Mohammed Singh said Birbee will need at least a week more in hospital before being released, and will be required to apply the topical genital gel for at least 2 more weeks before the blisters heal, leaving no permanent scarring.

Said Mohammed, " Physically the patient will recover fully. It's his mental state I'm concerned about...poor bloke was almost F*****d to death...not easy getting over that, innit, even in Yorkshire!"

Make Morse's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 3?

5 2 15 19
82 readers are online right now!

Go to top