Latest Wikleaks disclosures have finally solved the mystery of Britain 'special relationship' with America.
David Cameron, before the election, assured the U.S. President, known in his real guise as the Head of the CIA, that a Tory Britain would be 'right behind America'.
Further cables released today which will put in jeopardy the lives of many secret agents and diplomats, have clarified what the 'special relationship means'.
Cameron and most of his pals from Eton are already skilful in all the in and outs of the 'special relationship'. Extending these skills to the Americans has left officials conscious of the British being 'a rearguard' for the United States.
Unfortunately the Tories did not win the election outright and had to compromise to get power through a coalition with the Liberal Democrats. 'We are pretty liberal about these matters' said Nick Clegg 'we have prominent LibDems who understand the Tory approach to America very well, but we need to keep our constituency happy so full anal penetration of the Yanks can only be allowed with a condom. It is more healthy.'
'Healthy my foot!' yelled a Tory Backbender 'its like fucking with a sock on your prick! These liberals are a real pain in the arse.'
Sadly for the nation, Yanks are becoming less keen on the manoeuvres associated with the 'special relationship'. 'We have found other sexual practices are more enjoyable and we feel the French have more to offer' declared an American senior diplomat who wished to remain anonymous.