Written by Rob Stimpson
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Friday, 3 December 2010

FIFA has been sent into meltdown tonight as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter, is in fact a high class female prostitute. The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland.

Mrs Blatter, or Slutty Swiss Miss to give her professional name, was caught by cleaners giving 'celebratory blowjobs' to the representatives of the Russian and Qatari bid teams after FIFA had controversially awarded them the world cups in 2018 and 2022, respectively. The cleaners then raised the alarm to everyone else in the building, drawing fury and anger from the spurned countries who had had their dreams of holding the greatest sporting event in the world rejected.

Upon learning of Mrs Blatter's dark secret, an English bid team member by the name of Prince William, and the future king of England David Beckham, lashed out. Prince William slammed Blatter, claiming that "we should have known all along, the signs were there for all to see. Mrs Blatter welcomed the advances of numerous groups of men from across the globe, complimenting them on their bids, telling them how impressive their infrastructure was and how she loved their broad shoulders and shimmering eyes. He led us on and broke our heart."

David Beckham went one further, saying that "we wasted so much money trying to buy his love and affection. We spent millions trying to impress her and her whorish friends, and they lapped it up. They flirted like crazy with us and played with our balls, but when push came to shove they all chose the two who threw the most money at them, and sadly, that wasn't us."

The Australian, American, Dutch & Belgian, Spanish & Portuguese and Japanese bid teams all vented their anger too, but it was Prince William's final summary that summed it all up perfectly: "this just confirms that Sepp Blatter and her FIFA whores will do whatever you want as long as you throw enough money at them. They will suck your balls dry and give you a World Cup, you've just got to stump up enough cash to pay for it all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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