Written by Deafo
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Thursday, 2 December 2010

image for Spitting hoodies engaged by Huddersfield council to clear snow
A man clearly in the midst of a double pay bonanza

Huddersfield council have confirmed reports they engaged the services of spitting hoodies employed as 'conscientious ejectors' to clear snow in order to make up for a shortfall in available vehicles to grit the towns roads.

The hoodies were paid an hourly rate in line with the minimum wage, with incentives offered for those removing a greater volume of snow.

The council instigated the measure when it was unable to engage the desired amount of gritters to clear roads and pathways due to an administrative cock up which prevented local window lickers from attending a nearby depot to defrost the vehicles heavily frosted windscreens.

Huddersfield councilor, Cheryl Sparrow said the moves were indicative of the councils pro-active approach to negating the threat to humanity that snow posed.

'The window lickers, they let us down badly. It was a good deal for them. They could listen to the radio, but that wasn't enough. It seems they are more important then the rest of us.'

'A quick brainstorm then brought us on to hoodies. Gobbing frequently is their trademark so we thought why not turn the whole thing on its head and mould this repugnant pastime into something much more worthwhile, namely melting snow. The results have been immeasurable, but we're certain there have been some.'

Locals displeasure was immediately evident and further emboldened by reports suggesting urinating hoodies received double pay for the duration of their emission due to the additional volume of snow cleared.

Resident Sheila Park said, 'Why should they get such a cushy number? I wasn't even asked, and we all know the state of OAP's bladders. There's no ebb and flow with us.'

Environmentalist Jane Clarke believes this has set a dangerous precedent.

'There is a very strong chance of these hoodies now storing their urine in anticipation of future snowfall, which in hot weather has obvious sanitary implications.

'We would ask Huddersfield council to reconsider its position on 'conscientious ejectors.'

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