Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 1 December 2010

image for Local Man, Martin Shuttlecock, Named And Shamed On Wikileaks
Shuttlecock On Paris Protest March (Just Out Of Shot)

It probably won't reach the quality newspapers, but Anne Shuttlecock, long suffering wife of local idiot, Martin, was left hopping mad today by Wikileaks revelations which announced to the whole wide world that she had married a complete and utter twat.

Visibly shaking as she addressed assembled reporters in the shadow of her dead gazebo, Anne shuttlecock attempted to make excuses for her idiotic husband's erratic behaviour.

Anne stated that when she met Shuttlecock, he appeared to be relatively normal, but that she should have twigged when he took her to Manchester United's final game of the 1992/93 season at Selhurst Park against Wimbledon.

"It was mad," Anne told us. "There were all these mental United fans drinking pubs dry, mugging programme sellers, fighting with bouncers, and climbing up floodlight pylons. With hindsight, I should have known he was a twat. He even named the streaker as Pete Boyle! I should have sussed it out then - half Irish on his Mam's side and born in Salford. Schooled in Burnley...Fucking hell...I can't believe I didn't pick up on the warning lights."

Undeterred, Shuttlecock continued to make a total twat of himself. From being escorted at gunpoint by armed police officers at Heathrow airport, to joining a demonstration in Paris, falling asleep on the stairs whilst as pissed as a fart in Barcelona, prowling the back streets of New York's Lower East Side in the dark, and nutting a lamp post in Central london, requiring stitches to a ripped eyebrow and sustaining a broken thumb, which to this day he still blames on Colonel Juan.

Shuttlecock's life has been described as "an accident waiting to happen" and "even better car crash TV than Kerry Katona."

Shuttlecock, poor misguided fool that he is, insists that none of it was his fault.

"It's all bollocks is that," he told Skoob News. "It's just the wife. She's always hated me. So, I've had a few 'incidents' in life, it doesn't mean I'm disaster prone."

Buffty Ginslinger stated that anybody who goes to get married in a fire engine has serious issues.

Martin Shuttlecock had the following message for SEN's news supremo:

"Go fuck yourself you big dickhead!"

To whit (to woo) Anne Shuttlecock responded:

"Do you see what I have to put up with? Unfortunately I appear to have married a mad mental half Irish Salfordian Man United supporting fucking nutter. The bastard."

Shuttlecock himself explained:

"You'll have to excuse the wife. She was born in Hereford, so she's nearly Welsh isnit."

More when the fallout clears.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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