The weather blasting Britain has been blamed for making people drive like arseholes.
Road traffic accidents were up 60% last night as people slowly begin to realise that cars don't stop very well on ice.
Mike Fuckwit, 32, told us "I was driving, about 60, in to town when I saw the lights had gone red. Well I whacked on the anchors, and that was it. I just slid in to the arse-end of the Vectra in front of me!"
Barry Knobhead, 42, said "I was slowly going across country, making my way to work, when I rounded a corner at about 57 mph, I'd seen this unusual white sheen across the road, but figured it was some council experiment, turns out it was my undoing! I just span 360 degrees and hit a tree. Quite unusual!"
And this idiocy is not reserved for men, women are just as retarded.
Marion Dumbass told us "I was trying to drop Tarquin and Janine off at school in the Range Rover, when I came upon this little man in a Citroen. Obviously I didn't want to risk damaging the wheels on the grass verge, so I forced him over and he span off hitting a wall. I was so busy looking in my mirror that I didn't see the snow mound until it was too late!"
Police Chief Derek Portly-Bloke doesn't believe the weather is to blame, however. "People always drive like arseholes. That's because they're arseholes. The snow just makes it more fun spotting them!"
With more snow expected this week, we'll be on the lookout...