Written by Rob Stimpson
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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

The owner of a fruit and veg stall in Leighton Buzzard market has today been sentenced to death by Cheryl Cole after being found guilty of illegally downloading her new album Messy Little Raindrops online.

The male offender, who can't be named for legal reasons, was found to have downloaded the masterpiece illegally from the file sharing website Pirate Bay. Having paid no money for the fruit of Mrs Cole's labours, the jury took only 17 seconds to convict the defendant of theft.

The anonymous thief's defense had laid in his claim that; "Terry on the stall next to me sells knock-off CDs and DVDs and he told me that the recording artists who make these CDs and the directors and actors who do the films are so rich that it doesn't matter if we download them for free because it won't make any difference to them; their bank accounts are full enough as it is."

This argument fell flat on its arse in the court, though, as you can't sugar coat stealing. The Judge commented that he was aware of the severity of his verdict, but he noted that the defendant's previous convictions for violence meant nobody would miss this individual too much if he was to die. His previous crimes include being prosecuted for GBH after he physically assaulted a twelve year old boy for stealing two bananas, an apple and a grapefruit from his stall. The defendant claimed that the child "was stealing from my livelihood, he was taking money out of my pocket and food out of my mouth." The Judge said that if the defendant could see the hypocrisy of his actions then he would let him walk free immediately. Sadly, though, the unnamed thief could see no such thing, and stood by his actions completely.

As such, then, the defendant is due to be executed by Cheryl Cole in two weeks time in a ceremony allegedly taking place in a nightclub toilet where the defendant will dress up as a black female toilet attendant before getting battered by Mrs Cole in a bare knuckle frenzy. Fortunately, though, the defendant's schedule for the next two weeks consists of nothing but listening to the work of Mrs Cole (the solo masterpieces and the art of Girls Aloud), so it will be a relatively painless death. Perhaps more pertinently, this case has now set an ominous precedent to two similar cases in the United States, as James Cameron now looks set to be given the green light to stain the skin of three men and two women blue and then fire them out into space for illegally downloading Avatar, and Leonardo Di Caprio looks set to be successful in his bid to feast on the brains of four young fans in order to devour their dreams for illegally downloading Inception.

You have been warned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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