After his success in promoting British arrogance and stupidity abroad Prince Andrew has been offered a new post by the Coalition Government. He is to be an Ambassador Against Anguish (AAA), helping the British public swallow the bitter pill of austerity. He will use his gift for candid humour to win the hearts of the British people so that Happiness expands into the whole community.
Andrew takes the example of his Great Uncle Edward, so well portrayed currently in the TV drama 'Any Human Heart', who had trouble with a wife like Andrew has experienced. Andrew's divorced wife Sarah Ferguson is somehow akin to Mrs Simpson.
Andrew set out his programme to a select group of royal correspondents who had difficulty doing shorthand whilst kneeling before him. 'I have never liked journalists poking their noses into my business' he said 'but I have to use you to get my views across. So here goes.'
There followed examples of Andrew's Royal Thoughts:
1 I am Happy because of who I am. That must be the approach of my subjects.
2 I got where I am because of my mother and other monarchs going back to William the Conqueror. Respect your family and you will be Happy.
3 I speak my mind and back Britain against anyone I meet. Take a similar approach and remind the world - especially the Yanks - of our great Colonial history.
To cheers Andrew said that that was enough for one day and he flitted off in his helicopter for a round of Golf. 'Like Great Uncle Edward I like to win and those who I play always know their place - they are the losers.'