Whacktivists are to undertake the largest campaign in misguided cause history, as they fight to save a London woman from being denied her rights in marriage.
"This perhaps one of the gravest injustices of the past twenty minutes," sobbed national Chairpersyn Organic Gynder-Newtral. "If Duchess Camilla Parker Bowles Cornwall is not made Queen of the United Crowndom in due course, the important marginalised are victimised again. Who can be made to care about systematic oppression when the threat of a sympathy piece on Camilla in Hello! hangs over the culture of injustice dialogue. We must secure her rights to prevent her despicable class from bringing their oppression and experiences into the discussion, which is nothing but a structural attempt by the privileged group to exert their privilege. If you follow."
Refusing to take questions on the basis it would likely just contribute to more systematic oppression, an increasing tired and emotional Gynder-Newtral continued reading from prepared remarks:
"Until we assure Camilla's sparkly crown, we cannot get on with enabling the discursive mechanics of new political imaginaries by abolishing the class-sustaining, soul crushing weight of the monarchy, and with implementing socio-economic duty, and generally making sure that public money is directed substantially and with no questions asked to dreamers, prophetic poets, improvisational puppeteers, and revolutionary provocateurs who come up with lots of ideas, without having to spend a fixed amount of time in an office or even a shop. What good is a functioning NHS if the people haven't eco-radical haiku to read?"
"We support Camilla because she took midlife sexuality for womyn and turned it into a platform for self-empowerment, removing it from the corpse-pawns of collaborationist females who support the man myth conspiracy of beauty. If there was an social justice in this country, and I mean just a tiny little bit, the Prince of Wales would derive his status from her and assume the title Duke of Cornwall. And we'd all have really nice state benefits, no questions asked."
"I am mad!" shouted Gynder-Newtral before cycling off to chain herself to a random symbol of political oppression.
She later issued a press release to remove any doubt that when she said mad she meant angry.