After conducting yet another exhaustive review, the Ministry of Defence has concluded that it will continue to ban women from frontline infantry units and close quarters combat.
Women soldiers will continue in their current support roles, which are of vital importance to the Army.
Brigadier General Sir Baldrick Brick-Shithouse, Commander-in-Chief of UK Land Forces, said "It is one thing for an enemy to face aggressive, heavily armed and well trained soldiers, but to then feel the sharp edge of a woman's tongue and endure withering remarks about his appearance, the fact he hasn't shaved and the state of his trench is just too much. Additionally, we are advised that nagging is not deemed acceptable under the articles of the Geneva Convention".
Sir Baldrick went on to say, "We were also concerned that women may be distracted when undertaking highly dangerous and complex military operations. The last thing you need at a crucial moment is to be asked 'Did I unplug the iron?' or 'Does my bum look big in this?' There is also the issue of inadequate rear echelon support services for women and the fact that British Forces TV does not run any home renovation or celebrity chef shows".
The Ministry of Defence's position contrasts with that of the Taliban, who are more than happy to use women in the frontline, as long as they can drive a truck and detonate an explosive vest.