Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Iraq, London

Sunday, 31 July 2005

image for Chamberlain Urges Joint FBI and Scotland Yard Investigation
Touts Cure For Suicide

London England and Baghdad, Iraq-Neville Chamberlain The Very Last, seeking to clearly identify the source of rumors touting pig's blood as a sure fire cure all for suicide and other self-destructive, psychologically harmful and anti-social urges that have been plaguing the international landscape, has persuaded the FBI and Scotland Yard to initiate a full bore, multi-national, heavy-pronged, open ended investigation into this unproven heathen home remedy.


"People commit suicide because they are, well, distraught, they are in despair, they do not feel good, not because they are possessed by the devil," a government psychologist has opined. "We do not perform miracles, but we can help those who help themselves. Just think positive thoughts. Happiness is just a warm thing called Joe. The stars belong to everyone. The fine points in life are there for all comers to harp on. And carp we must since people possessed by demons need a cure for what ails them."


Mr. Chamberlain startled a hastily thrown together news conference by stating he had secretly been airdropped into the Al Qaida terrorist headquarters disguised as a local shepherd's hut to obtain sincere proof that suicide bombers were meant to help further the just cause of a lasting peace in our time.


Even FBI Director Bill Mueller went on the record saying at the hastily concocted news conference held in a local Starbucks, "We do not believe in witchcraft. We will discourage it as much as possible. We will not let it intrude in our thinking or our activities. We are rational, sane human beings with a terrible terror problem that can only be solved by patient painstaking policing activities, good detective work, social welfare programs, and good intentions, but a little cunning counter terrorism psychological warfare can't hurt. We come in peace and intend to leave in one piece. We want to identify these scoundrels and let them rest in peace in our time. Enough said. Case closed."


Scotland Yard Commissioner Sir Ian Blair seconded the theory. "We are currently worried about acts of evil for evil's sake. There are still people who believe in witchcraft and devil worship and eye of newt and scaredy cats out there. People who believe in extreme acts of cowardice need to be taken care of in a supremely extreme way. We must stand up and count our blessings."


"I confess we are investigating home brews, covens, witch doctors, bathtub gin, shamans, fakirs, ghouls, Frankenstein monsters and remedies for radical Dracularism. But pig's blood is our most promising lead at the moment."


"Anything that is all in your head isn't going to go away any time soon with the snap of my fingers. All sorts of extreme nonsense are out there that cannot be staunched in the twinkle of an eye."


Mr. Chamberlain was able to wave a signed document that he claimed proved suicide was not a mean end, but an end meaning nothing and signifying even less. "We have been unable to terminate this dastardly philosophical activity but we will eventually get to the bottom of the barrel. Ghouls, dingbats, Godzilla and Ghidran are just bad dreams that go bump in your head and disappear in the morning."


"I am prepared to declare peace in our time and go to sleep at night knowing no one is going to blow up my home. Rest assured, I can offer all of you the same assurances."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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