Written by Lady Godiva
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Sunday, 28 November 2010

image for Newby, Isle of Wight, plans biggest and best Santa Parade in the history of the town. It WILL include a Susan Boyle float.
Winkle flavoured candy canes - favourite treat thrown from floats in Newby's annual Santa Parade

Newby residents are filled with excitement about the annual Santa Claus Parade, which is to take place on December 15th.

The organizers of the parade say that it will, indeed, be the BEST Santa Claus Parade in the history of the village.

They don't wish to keep special floats and celebrity names a secret. Their spokeswoman, Ima Loosen, says that keeping these secrets would defeat the object of attracting many visitors to Newby and, indeed, visitors from the Mainland.

The ferrymaster-who insisted on pat-downs and full cavity searches for all people travelling on his ferry, has been suspended without pay and is 'resting' at the Newby Home for Suspicious Personality Traits, awaiting a psychiatric evaluation.

The following details were released to the press today, regarding the Newby Santa Claus Parade.

There will be a Susan Boyle float, playing Susan's new Christmas Album. Susan will not be able to attend in person as she is preparing for a visit to New York where she has been invited to turn on the Christmas Lights this year, but she has donated a 'flat Susan' to adorn the float. This 'flat Susan' is a carboard - full-sized photo of Susan herself. It is widely used by Subo fans who just need to feel her presence wherever they may be. It's rumoured that the TRUE Subo fans ALL own a 'flat Susan' so as to feel oh so close to her on a daily basis.

It's rumoured that they worship, daily, at the feet of their flat Susans and don't attend church these days. The Catholic fans make their confessions directly to 'flat Susan'.

Residents of the Isle of Wight are bewildered by Subo fanatics but heard that many of them are extremely rich and therefore, they wish to entice them to the Isle, for monetary reasons.

Another float is to depict Prince William and his fiancee Kate Middleton. The organizers are scouring the village, as I type, looking for a look-alike for William and a look-alike for Kate.

If they fail to find look-alikes in time for the parade, they will put two local residesnts on the float wearing William and Kate masks.

It is tradition, during the Santa Claus parade, for those people on floats to throw kippers and winkle flavoured candy canes out into the crowd. This year will be no exception.

The Members of the Newby Women's Institute will have a float depicting 'The life of Susan Boyle'. Members will be dressed in various outfits, depicting Susan's 'wardrobe' and physical changes over the past year.

Daughters and grandaughters of members of the Womens' Institute will be depicting Susan at different 'times' of her life.

Florence Gobbit's grandaughter, Kia, will be sitting at a piano on the float, complete with frilly dress and curly hair - depicting Susan at age 5. Enid Dribble's daughter
will be dressed as Susan in the 80's complete with shoulder pads, holding a microphone, depicting Susan's karoake period. Mable Choi will be wearing a drab gold, shapeless dress, a string of pearls and a big number stuck to her chest, obviously depicting Susan at her audition.

Yet another float will be dedicated to all writers of the Spoof in an effort to honour them for bringing the Isle of Wight to the world.This is the ONE float that is being kept a secret at this point in time.

Efforts were made to contact Paul the Psychic Octopus. Sadly, he seems to be dead.

Local schoolchildren are busy making a papier mache model of Paul. Many of the schoolchildren became very fond of Paul when he was in hiding on the Isle after the world cup.
They do not want him to be forgotten.

More about the Newby Santa Claus Parade to follow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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