BIRMINGHAM - A man today died of the incurable disease of 'old age'.
Jack Summers, 87, died of a dilberating condition known colloqiually as 'old age', but known medically as senectus, which is latin for 'old age'. Old age affects nearly everyone over fifty years old.
"Yes," said Dr. Sheldon Hofstader, "old age is a long-term condition. It is onset very early - at around 50, 60 - and has the symptoms of your kids... having kids... and being retired. It is truly terrible seeing these people suffering like this. The wierd thing is, it never happens to anyone young. Never. Not once in the history of medicine."
There have been instances of old age before, but they were far and few between. The rate of old agedness increased AFTER better hospital care.
According to data, the amount of people dying of old age increases by 10% every year.
"We are seeing more and more cases of people dying from senectus," said Hofstader. "Even with all our modern medicine and healthcare that was better than ever, people still die from it. Less people died of old age 100 years ago, than today! You know, what's up with that?"
"Yeah," said Molly Summers. "It was terrible that granddad died of senectus. What? Why thanks, I am pretty. Yeah, sure I'll go on a date with you."
However, hope is possible for those who still struggle with the condition.
"HAHAHA!" said Prof. Frank Abrams. "Oh, sorry, that was a hillarous scene on the TV. Yes, I think I have a cure for senectus. I've lost many a family member due to this particular thing. Now, this will... actually, I haven't tested it. Do you wanna drink it? Oh. You're going out on date and you don't want to fill yourself up. Eh suit yourself."
As of press time, the date was going really well. She's in the toilet for a long time thought. Oh right, uhh... as of press time, scientists have discovered Altimunium, a substance that is the 'Elixer of Life'.