The Ministry of Defense today said the reason they recently made the captain of the ill fated Billion Dollar Sub HMS Astute redundant after he recently ran it aground on a mud bank, was that the ill named ASTUTE was no longer needed after a commitment to cutting defense costs while boosting educational stipends and reducing street riots.
Despite being the most advanced and expensive submarine ever built, the recent damage caused by the grounding, plus the collision with the tug operated by a French Salvage Company, incurred prohibitive repair costs, according to an Admiralty spokesman.
What's not being said is the row caused in the wake of the announcement that French crews and planes would be placed on the remaining British aircraft carriers in light of the Coalition Cost Cutting measures.
With the famous Harrier Jump Jets being jettisoned, some being bought by the US in a gesture to use them to protect the realm during the upcoming Olympics after Nick Clegg said he couldn't 'in good conscience spend any more money on National Defense" despite continue threats to security by militant fanatics and even some middle class students.
According to an insider in the Royal Navy, the last straw was when PM Silvio Berlusconi of Italy, and Nicholas Sarkozy, president of France, both made proposals to take over payments on the sub in exchange for having it rechristened and turned over to them and used in exporting gypsies from their respective shores.
The insider said the Coalition was offered $.10 on the dollar in a 'take it or leave it deal' offered by France & Italy in a joint venture deal said to be funded in part by an obscure politician in Brussels, who couldn't be named, but who was making $750k per year plus expenses.
The latest scheme has the HMS ASTUTE now being moored next to the HMS Victory in Portsmouth as a tourist site in an attempt to recoup at least some of the tax money spent on the vessel while the military continues to down size.
Said Clegg, " with this cost cutting measure we can fund at least 1200 more Scottish lads in University, and hopefully shut down unrest in our streets.
In a way, the ASTUTE really is defending our shores from Terrorists, don't you see!"
There is a move on now to rename the ill fated ship HMS DESTITUTE after the Duchess of York, in an elaborate renaming ceremony coinciding with the public wedding of Kate and Wills early next spring.
Tickets for the multiple affairs are going on sale soon throughout the UK, and demand is said to be "brisk" especially for the opportunity to see the Duchess of York drinking out of an open necked bottle of Champaign with her knickers down about her ankles after an all night pub crawl!
The former commander of the Astute is said to have been given the new title
"Chief Tour Guide" for the DESTITUTE which requires minimal navigational skills in order to direct visitors to the souvenir stand and the outside portable toilets during daylight hours and only at high tide.