Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Sunday, 28 November 2010

image for Civil Servants Taught To Breathe & Stand Up Straight
Breathe..2..3..4...and again...2..3..4...

It has been revealed that the Foreign & Commonwealth Office has spent £120,000 on teaching civil servants to breathe and stand up straight. This is despite having to make cost savings of £300 million in its annual budget.

Deputy Under Assistant Semi-Permanent Secretary Quentin Snodgrass-Bollocks (a very distant relative) said, "Despite our generous salaries, gold-plated pension schemes, positions with no actual work to do and openings for singularly untalented individuals, we have always found recruitment a challenge in the Civil Service. In view of this, we have had to 'lower the bar' somewhat in recent years and look for people who show minimal potential, but who we believe we can develop and nurture. Our current recruitment criteria specify that a person must have a pulse of around 80 beats per minute and register at least 30% of normal cerebral activity during an EEG examination. Once they have met these two requirements, candidates are admitted to the Civil Service College, where further intensive training takes place".

Mr Snodgrass-Bollocks went on to explain, "Further training includes maintaining a respiratory rate of around 22 breaths per minute, how to stand up straight and not drag one's knuckles along the ground whilst walking and how to correctly pronounce words beginning with 'H' whilst not drooling. Needless to say, this type of training is very speciallised and comes at a price. However, since she was knocked back by Radio 4's Today programme, we have been able to secure the services of Katie Price at a very competitive rate".

It is understood that candidates who do not make the grade, are offered to the SAS for live firing exercises in the 'Killing House'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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