Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Weather, Snow

Sunday, 28 November 2010

image for Shock: Local Man Spreads Weather Related Fear Across County
A man on his way to buy non-existent bread in Chiswick high street, yesterday.

Danny Thomas, 32, today sensationally told people what they already knew.

Upon walking in to a local shop and filling his basket, and then approaching the till, Thomas, rubbing his hands together in a friction related warming action, told those assembled that "brrr, it's a bit nippy out!"

The till operator, who had already defrosted her car and scraped ice from the windscreen that evening, before coming to work, smiled and replied "yeah, I know!"

Thomas, unphased by her apparent disregard of his news, continued unabashed.

Breathing warm breath in to his cupped hands, he said that he had not seen weather like this since the 'winter of '87'.

Having only been born in '92, Jane smiled sweetly and continued 'zapping' his produce.

Thomas then started embellishing his diatribe, by suggesting that the weather would be 'getting far worse by Tuesday!'

Having never worked for the Met office, or indeed even owning a weather station, this statement is considered by experts to be completely false.

Michael Fish, ex-weatherman, told us from his home in Sunnyvale Retirement Homes that a prediction such as this was 'unquantifiable'.

"It's pure craziness on a bike!" he said, "no-one knows what will happen, not even the forecasters, this cold snap could be gone by tomorrow, or it could be six foot deep in snow! We just use a 'best guess' scenario to present the weather report, and we're trained! This no-mark upstart hasn't got a clue!"

After leaving the store, Thomas was seen entering a local drinking establishment, wherein he continued his erroneous weather reports, striking panic and fear in to all who were in ear shot.

This 'word-of-mouth' panic has now been spread to surrounding villages, with residents reportedly buying up all bread and milk stocks for the 'impending bad weather', leaving store owners unexpectedly short of bare essentials.

Police have started a village wide search for the bearer of the faux panic-inducing news, but are so far unsuccessful in their hunt.

Anyone with information should contact their local police station.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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