Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Doors

Sunday, 28 November 2010

A local man's angry exit was ruined this evening, by a common manual surface mounted door closer.

The man was entertaining visiting friends at his local pub, when the incident occurred.

Barry Butress was drinking in The White Lion, when the conversation took a turn for the worse. His girlfriend was chatting to another patron of the establishment when, enraged by their apparent friendliness, an argument ensued.

Butress accused his wife to be of being 'over familiar' with said patron and began demanding an explanation from the shocked partner.

Her argument was that she was 'just being friendly'. Unconvinced, Butress started 'getting heavy', and witnesses claim he was 'totally out of order, and over the top' in his reprimand.

Seeing the situation spiralling out of control, Butress' girlfriend, Betty, took charge and told him under no uncertain terms to 'do one'.

At this unexpected turn of events, Butress, announcing to everyone that they were 'bastard's' and could 'go fuck 'em selves' turned on his heels and left the bar.

Upon leaving, and as a final full stop to the evening's events, Butress slammed the front door as he exited. But unfortunately the woodwork was managed by a manual surface mounted door closer.

As he wrenched on the door to leave, the woodwork followed him at speed, only to stop inches from closing, by the compression spring contained within the metalwork above the door, resulting in a barely audible 'shuuk' as the door completed it's journey.

Glen Tribeck, who was seated at the bar, told us "it was all going well, but when he slammed the door, and it just closed slowly and quietly behind him, that just ruined it! It would have had far more effect if there was a sturdy 'bang', but that was it. The moment was lost!"

As news of the incident spreads, more and more people are coming forward to express their own downfall at the hands of this supposed 'human aid'. Even the rich and famous have been caught out by this seemingly inconspicuous and dormant 'aid'.

Madonna famously left Guy Richie by slamming a door that closed unimpressively slowly and unassumingly quietly, and upon hearing of his exit from 10 Downing Street, Gordon Brown is said to have left the building by slamming a door which was operated by a surface mounted door closer, resulting in a rather embarrassing 'shuuck', rather than the expected 'BANG'.

Angry people beware, always look above you before leaving. Door closers can really ruin an exit.

More as we leave...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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