Written by Rob Stimpson
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Friday, 26 November 2010

The Irish Government has today sent out a public, heartfelt apology to the world for having spawned the crap-pop-freak show Jedward. The apology was particularly aimed the people of the UK, who have had to suffer this inhuman blight more than anyone else on the planet.

Having remained silent from their first appearance on the X-Factor until now, the Irish government felt it was finally time to distance themselves from the hyperactive homoerotic twins from Dublin. Speaking on behalf of the nation, Irish president Mary McAleese said:

The time has come for the Irish nation to apologise for these two identical dickheads. We're sorry. We know they had a bit of that freak show interest at first, that whole 'are they actually real people?' aura about them. The massive hair, the bouncing off the walls, the fact that neither of them could get one-third of the way through a sentence without the other one joining in - we're sorry. And their songs. Fuck. We're so sorry. They have no talent, we know that, but they got through passport control our end and scurried onto X-Factor where any old bugger can make it. But still - we're sorry.

Ms McAleese offered two shards of glorious hope, however. Firstly, she said that the Irish people had been given the chance to nominate one of their own to scour the globe looking for Jedward in order to behead them with a blunt, rusty machete. The Irish people chose Gerrard Butler. It was soon pointed out that the hunky actor is actually Scottish, but everyone agreed that he sounded Irish and that would do. Plus, he's King Leonidas.

However, even if the sickening, spring-loaded cretins manage to avoid Gerrard Butler, it was also revealed that they have a dangerously high level of fecal matter running through their veins, which simultaneously explains the lack of talent, intelligence and inability to speak. As the levels of crap increase rapidly with every pseudo-hip hop remix of an otherwise harmless song, Jedward move ever closer to their own oblivion. And then all will be quiet, and we will enjoy the silence. For a minute or two. Silence. Soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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