Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 26 November 2010

image for Thanksgiving snaffles up Turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews
Pictured with Dubya shortly after 9/11

Norfuk - (Cold Turkey Stuff): Karmic synchronicity saw the octogenarian's death on Turkey Day, aka Thanksgiving.

Matthews died peacefully surrounded by his flock of Broad Breasted Bronzes, Bourbon Reds, Spanish Blacks and Midget Whites.

Among his many accomplishments was the introduction of the cold turkey twizzler, a much reviled lunchbox item subsequently popular with detoxing junkies.

Another industry first was his wild turkey twizzler which delivers a large shot of Kentucky bourbon via a patented cocktail twizzle stick.

These took Matthews to international turkey fame and brought him multi-million pound riches.

Among his detractors were those who thought he looked suspiciously like convicted fraudster and KGB double agent Robert Maxwell RIP.

Other conspiracy theorists have remarked on his resemblance to UK Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.

Facially however many reckoned he looked more like 'Susan Boyle on acid' while his own 'turkey wattles' made him appear a dead ringer for Sordid Arabia's Crown Prince Turki.

Funeral details are expected later today.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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