Determined to avoid history repeating itself, Prince William has called off his wedding to Kate Middleton in order to marry Kate Middleton after divorcing his first wife.
"Kate is the love of his life," confided a friend of the Prince, "so naturally William wants to do everything he can to ensure they live out their lives together. And in this family, that means your first marriage has to involve some poor, unsuspecting woman who has no idea what she's getting in to."
Struck by Grannie's gritted teeth tribute to Diana, the Prince believes there are lessons to be learned from her life and the moving and extraordinary and seemingly endless reaction to her death. So seeking to avoid the Diana hangover that plagues his father's fun filled marriage to long time love-is-blind paramour Camilla, Duchess of Co-Respondent, William is apparently on the hunt for a first wife with less staying power than his mother.
"As someone whose name shall not be mentioned except by her children once observed: there's three in that marriage, living and departed, and the two left standing haven't got a ghost of chance of shaking her off. You've got to give Diana credit - she said she wouldn't go quietly and boy, she didn't. Oh, dear, did I say Diana?"
The Palace has been instructed to find what is euphemistically referred to as a handsome woman who despite expert highlights and the best corrective dentistry money can buy will as importantly be a source of universal relief when she is subsequently divorced.
"It was certainly easier in Henry VIII's day," sighed a weary courtier, "but if there's one thing this family's never lost its enthusiasm for, it's a rousing chorus of the 'There Goes the Bride.'"
The odds at William Hill currently favour Elizabeth Taylor. In addition to her impressive credentials in the marry-and-divorce competition, the aging film star offers the bonus advantage of being perennially on the verge of death, which could save the Royal Family money when push comes to shove. But Middleton is said to favour freelance Royal Sorry, Doshless of York, who has impeccable skills at alienating the public and is keen to take on any assignment for the right price.