The Featured Writer selection process has finally been revealed by editor Mark Lowton at Spoof Towers.
He told us "Monkey Woods seems to think that the Featured Writer is somehow randomly selected by the computer, once a day, having no actual relation to the past achievements of the selected writer."
"Well I'm here to tell him he's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Totally wrong. I sit for hours, sometimes days, choosing which writer should be given the prestigious award! Not a decision I take lightly. I look at past achievements, points and general readability of their work!"
"Then I pass the short-list over to a panel of virgin judges, who themselves are randomly selected by another judge, based on their own virginal judging prowess, and from that we draw up a 'final three'."
"This short-short-list is then fed to a donkey, whose name is Stephen. As the list passes through his alimentary canal a local wizard I know casts a spell of good fortune over the ceremony, and then we wait."
"After a while Stephen poops out the paper, and only one name will be readable! And that is the name of the Featured Writer!"
"We conduct this ceremony daily, and to have Monkey just dismiss the FW as random selection hurts. It really does!"
"I love that my writers congratulate each other, it's a worthwhile cause and long may it continue! Monkey will never be FW, as he spends too much time moaning about it and not enough time congratulating people about their prestigious award! And Fergus is being dropped from the running too, he agrees with Monkey too much!"
Rumours that occasional slow editing at weekends may be caused by Mr Lowton having to take Stephen to the vets for 'blockage removal' are unsubstantiated.