It may be shocking, but one in three children are accessing a 'tsunami' of explicit pornographic images on the internet by the age of ten, a study has revealed, and reported in the Tory Mail.
Favourite movies are Botman and Robin, Snow White and the Seven Giants, Jurassic Pork, Throbbin Hood and Edward Dildo Hands.
The Spoof conducted its own investigation, interviewing a number of ten year olds with the permission of their parents.
"To be honest," one lad told us, "I've become a bit of an agony aunt to my parents. They just weren't doing it right, so I've told them to introduce lube, do loads of oral in front of the mirror and, especially 'cos my mum's a bit backward, not to be afraid to take a load in the face every now and then."
And another girl was even more forthright. "I mean, how painful can anal be? Especially if it's moist enough. I told my mum not to be afraid to take it up the tradesman's, and dad says it's rejuvenated their sex life."
One child seems to sum up the disregard of traditional sex education. "I was watching the sex education show on channel 5 last night. The two female presenters keep saying that they are 'experts in sex'. I just reckon that they're a pair of slags."