George Doofus, owner and sole employee running the Isle of Wight ferry from the Isle to the mainland, issued this statement after travellers on the ferry reported him for sexual misconduct.
"It's true. I won't deny it. I have been patting down all passengers and carrying out full body cavity searchers on those who look, to me, suspicious. It's usually the good looking women coz they think they can get away with anything just coz they look hot.
I don't know why anyone on the Isle should be complaining. I'm just thinking about THEIR safety and the safety of their loved ones. Well...anyone could be sneaking 'anything' onto our pure Isle couldn't they? Drugs, explosives, video games, Walker's Crisps, Susan Boyle C.D.s and DVD.s not to mention her recent book."
When asked why he patted down, poked and probed 'islanders' leaving for the mainland - as well as visitors travelling TO the isle, he answered,
"Well, hell's bell's, good Gordon Highlanders, I can't be seen to be playing favourites now - can I? That would look TOO suspicious. It would look as if I were just out for cheap thrills and that's certainly NOT the case. I swear on my mother's grave."
When reminded that his mother was still alive he coughed and said,
"Well, she'll have one, one day and I was just thinking ahead. If yer get me meaning."
The Islanders have refused to travel to the mainland until George Doofus is removed as Ferryman, except for John Dicks, David Bumcock and Leslie McCummins, who don't see what all the fuss is about. They travel to the mainland and return, four to five times a day. When asked why, John Dicks spoke for them all saying,
"We just loves goin' on the ferry like. Don't we lads?"
David and Leslie nodded,extremely enthusiastically, in agreement, sporting big grins and glassy facial expressions.
More to follow.