As temperatures across Britain plummet to -10C this week, the Met Office warn of significant snowfalls.
Met Office stalwart Harry Nips says, "It's going to get so cold you're guaranteed to be able to grate cheese on your scrotum."
With the country set to be blanketed with snow, services are already holding up their hands in surrender.
Trains across the country are cancelled without a flake being spotted. "We don't want to take any chances, what with the wrong kind of snow and everything," a spokespersonnage said.
As usual, Britain is the only nation that runs more efficiently through a world war than through a snow storm. Harry Nips comments, "The Germans could never break Londoners' spirits during the blitz. Good job Hitler never had a snow machine."
Council employee Gary Twatt contacted us: "Where I work we're all being given a couple of weeks off due to the heavy snow and treacherous driving conditions. I love my job as a Gritter."