London - (Satanic Slutz Mess): Stupefied silence greeted the announcement followed by loud hissing sound - like a colostomy bag seething with boiling effluent...
"And what's more I've got the bloody vid to prove it!"
The former wild man's call came late last night when his new lady wife Katy Perry was on a girls night out at Camden's Whoreley Arms.
"Hallo Mrs Middleton," Russell chirped sweetly, "my name's Russell Brand and I shagged your granddaughter Kate, ha ha bloody ha!
"Mrs Middleton, hello, you there love?" Brand cooed cheerfully.
"That makes Kate the one hundredth satanic slut who's had a damned good rogering from Babykins-Russell, ha ha, he he!"
The call, recorded by News-of-the-Screws editor Andy Coulson's mobile hacking unit, immediately sparked alarm bells at the Royal Protection Racket cops' HQ in St James' Palace.
Within minutes the entire conversation went viral on the Royal YouBoob channel following some judicious tweeking of the Middleton household webcam.
Jonathan Ross is 69.