At an urgently convened meeting of Great Britain's COBRA emergency planning committee, the British Government have introduced a devastating weapon as their contribution to The War on Terror.
In response to the outcry at yesterday's Police gunning of a tinted gentleman on his way to an urgent picnic in Hyde Park, Police, Security Services, senior Government officials and Ministers alongwith several representatives of Le Corps de Royal Variety Performance met in a secret bunker to thrash out a new approach.
Proceedings began with a two minute silence in memory of the passing of Variety Theatre. Luminaries of End of The Pier shows including Keith Harris, Bernie Clifton, The Chuckle Brothers and esteemed art critic, Dame Brian Sewell rubbed shoulders with chief Government advisers Bono, Sir Bob Geldof and Orville as heads were banged together in an urgent effort to, Make Terrorism History.
Various suggestions were considered with The Chuckle Brothers generously offering themselves to man Tube Stations with their signature outsize ladders performing their "To Me - To You" routine, thus thwarting any efforts of crazed suicide bombers to rush, unhindered, onto the trains.
Bernie Clifton pointed out that his speciality act of riding an out of control Rhea would similarly disrupt the rapid transit of terrorists. The added height gained by sitting atop his bird would provide an overview of the crowds and any rucksack clad, sandwich box carrying killer could be spotted with ease and reported to the appropriate authorities.
Perhaps not surprisingly Keith Harris and Orville were completely unable to offer any useful contribution, although, Bono did point out that their rendition of "I wish I could Fly" might have been an ideal theme tune for the now deceased 9/11 terrorists and regardless of that aside, the duo had inspired him in the early stages of his own musical career.
It was at this point, with heads and chins almost scratched away to nothing, that Dame Brian Sewell saved the day. His suggestion, that what Great Britain needed at this time of crisis, was a return to good old British Values, where people could pay their taxes and walk the streets without fear of being offended by tacky displays of flowers by roadsides to commemorate some dead people and pavements cluttered with boards of pinned up photographs of The Missing with completely tasteless frames and mounts. "No - what we need is The King Of Comedy - Sir Ken Dodd and his Diddymen", lisped the somewhat effette, proponent of good taste and all round genius.
An urgent call was put out to the Jam Butty Mines of Knotty Ash and quicker than you could say, Ooooh How tickled I am, in burst Ken Dodd and his troupe of Diddymen fully equipped with their Tickling Sticks. Agreement was reached that The Diddymen will provide intensive training to The Metropolitan Police in the use of tickling sticks. Officers will be positioned on guard at Bus Stops and Tube Stations around London to tickle all prospective passengers.
Skillful use of said specialist equipment will result in travellers writhing hysterically and the Diddymen themselves, what with their limited stature will be able to look up under the flailing arms of the amused ticklees to check for any signs of wires or hidden explosives. Those found to be prospective bombers can then be shot immediately and will die laughing.
Prime Minister Blair visibly sighed with relief at this ingenious plan to put an end to London's recent troubles and immediately conferred a long overdue Knighthood on Sir Ken.
The scheme will be funded from proceeds of a new charity recording of 'Happiness" by Bono, Sir Bob and Sir Ken with Prime Minister Blair on backing guitar and Home Secretary Charles Clarke, on the spoons. Should these sterling efforts fail and further bomb attacks lead to any fatalities Sir Bob Geldof has kindly agreed to raise victims from the dead.
Sir Ken Dodd is 96 and still has someone else's teeth.