WASHINGTON, D.C. - Transportation Security Administration spokesperson, Clovis Baxter Shamnoodle, 47, has informed the media that effective immediately any illegal aliens who have decided to return to Mexico will be provided with free first class tickets and they will not have to be subjected to either going through the X-ray machines or being forced to submit to the pat down procedure.
Mr. Shamnoodle pointed out that the U.S. government is implementing this directive in order to refrain from discouraging any illegal aliens from heading on back to sunny ol' Mexico during the Thanksgiving holidays.
He went on to say that if these individuals know that they will be forced to submit to these grope sessions like the American people are that they may become discouraged and simply end up deciding not to return to Mexico and instead just continue to remain in the United States.
A group calling itself The Tucson Tequila Bag Party has stated that they fully support the government in this brilliant move and hope that it will be extended to include illegal aliens from other countries such as Canada, Holland, Anchorage, and Iran as well.
The director of Los Angeles' LAX Airport, Emerson F. Sockpaddle says that his agents have already informed him that just within the past 24 hours they have noted that a total of 837 illegal aliens have passed through the metal detector and gone on to board their Mexico-bound flights without any problem whatsoever.
Julio Maracas-Maracas, an illegal alien who was working as a windshield wiper installer at a large auto plant in Saginaw, Michigan told a reporter for The Tinsel Town Times Tribune that he is thrilled to be able to bypass the dreaded pat down process.
Maracas-Maracas, a native of Cuernavaca, Mexico remarked, "I ease too mush happy tu tell ju dat I hab nebber liked for no one to be tushing my ju-know-what, unless eat was my wife Ramona and/or my girlfriend Panchita."
Julio added, with a tear in his eye, that he has finally fully realized that America is truly the land of the free, the home of the brave, and a country that can give white, law-breaking, Caucasian "Bishes" like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton one, two, three, and even as many as nine damn effen chances.
SIDENOTE: The U.S. government wanted it made perfectly clear to the American taxpayers that it is only paying for half of the price of the first class tickets and that the other half is being paid for by the Help Us Get The Illegal Aliens Back Home To Mexico Fund, which was funded thanks to a telethon that was put on at L.A.'s Staples Center (home of the Lakers) by George Lopez, Carlos Santana, Eva Longoria, The San Diego Padres, Justin Bieber, Ines Sainz, Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz, Salvatore Goombalini, Salma Hayek, and Ann Coulter.