London - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): There's lies, damned lies and bloody royal wedding whoppers.
And as massive great big con tricks go this one really takes the effing biscuit.
Last night a UK DNA testing unit confirmed what the red top hacking fraternity has always known: William and Kate are a pair of lookalikes.
William's genetic material has matched positive for paternity by ex-UK Prime Mobster Gorgon Brown and internationally acclaimed children's story thief JK Rowling.
The doppleganger became a Kensington Palace shoo-in when Charles topped his eldest by Princess Di - circa 1986.
The real William was hastily buried under a poison ivy border in the Palace's shrubbery and his facial lookalike - let's call him 'Andrew' installed in his place.
As for the desperate royal wannabe Kate Middleton the fiction of her ID is an even less salubrious business.
National Poisons Unit sources said this week that Kate is Samantha Cameron's daughter and he Pa is Sir Mark Thatcher.
The preposterous situation now sees seedy politicians and Global Piss Process luminaries elevate royal deception beyond even the sordid fiction of 'Princess Diana'.
Meanwhile CPS lawyers are studying police evidence in the Andy Coulson/news of the Screws hacking case which reared its ugly the other month.
Coulson now rejoices in being David Cameron's equivalent of Tony Blair's Alistair Campbell - ie Chief Purveyor of Government Bullshit.
But his hacking past is catching up on him at a time when the UK taxpayer is being schmoozed by No 10 to fork out over fifty million quid in security and policing costs for the daftass Wills and Kate wedding next year.
"It's a fucking disgrace," the head of the Serious & Disorganised Crime choked into his cornflakes this morning.
"Should be a law against it."