Chancellor George Osborne broke down in tears yesterday upon hearing the news of Wills and Kates upcoming 2011 Royal Wedding.
"Geesuss fucking Christ" he was heard to scream, "just when I get the fucking national deficit all but cleared that bisexual wanker Wills goes and bloody ruins it! Has this streak of Royal piss any idea just how much another fucking Royal Wedding is going to cost the country? My god, the bloody security alone will run into Billions of fucking pounds and then there is the cost of the sodding cake, I can't see that little tart Kate settling for a bleedin' Tesco cake can you?"
Despite their best efforts, both part-time Prime Ministers have taken it in turns to sit with George in an attempt to console him, all to no avail as he is totally gutted, has started sucking his thumb and has even thrown his Early Learning Centre abacus out of the window into the Thames!
However, not everyone is upset about the upcoming nuptials, least of all, 'Phil the Greek' who has already hired a couple of poverty stricken Irish handymen to install hidden peepholes and cameras in Kates, soon-to-be, Royal boudoir and en suite bathroom. This will afford Phil endless pleasure as he can spy/record Kate in various states of undress and during her frantic sexual activity with both Wills and numerous well endowed male staff members-no pun intended.
It is Phil's intention to add such graphic recordings to his massive collection of porn videos made during the late Princess Di's residence at Fuck House (as it is known in the trade) when she regularly shagged her way through most of the male staff night after night.
Although he may not get any of the juicy 'girl on girl' action so beloved between Di and Fergie the crafty 'bubble & squeak' is plotting to have Fergies daughter, Beatrice, over for numerous 'pyjama parties' with Kate when Wills is away playing with his helicopter in down town Afghanistan. Thus, having invested heavily in state-of-the art Blu ray equipment Phil is keeping his fingers well crossed for some hot future action between the two girls!
As for Liz, she is not so much amused, as bemused, for as far as she can recall 'Kate' has come bottom four times on X-Factor and appears to be a bit of a slapper, hardly Royal breeding material. But being a wise old bird Liz is giving Kate the benefit of the doubt and was overheard mumbling something about Wagner being well hung?
Meanwhile, all over the country poverty stricken freezing cold pensioners can hardly wait to part with their pittance of a state pension and buy copious amounts of Royal tat from Poundland to hang in their windows on the great day!
SKY TV News cougar and green supporter Kay Burley is busy making bunting out of her old open crotch panties.