Written by Dogooder Dave
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Topics: London, Government

Wednesday, 20 July 2005

image for London Bombings - Anti looking at people in a funny way Law Introduced
Oh dearie dearie me

In the wake of the recent totally unsurprising bomb attacks on the London Transport system the British Government have introduced a raft of new measures designed to show that something is being done.

Without so much of a hint of a bent knee, never mind a violently upwardly mobile jerk in the groin of the faceless and omniprescient enemies of The State, Prime Minister Toeknee Blur, has calmly responded to calls for ineffective action. He assured the House that his response took full account of the thoughts and feelings of the muttering classes who were most put out at the alteration of bus and train timetables which interfered with their ability to maintain stiff upper lips unaided by matchsticks or a residue of dried out shaving foam.

Speaking to a packed House of Commons Blur admitted that, while the casualty figures were disappointingly low and 7/7 doesn't quite have the catchy ring of 9/11, he can follow in the footsteps of his close friend, President Brash and his ill considered disaster response, by getting it all wrong.

The carefully considered proposals to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again, wisely, takes no account of Great Britain's invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan but instead takes full account of Mr Blur's determination that no sympathiser to any foreign power will come into his country and try and tell him how to run things such as who should be in charge or what nationality should train his Police Force or set up military bases to dictate who should or shouldn't do something or other.

Measures will include the banning of the sale of Tupperware sandwich boxes and outsize ramblers rucksacks which can be a blasted nuisance when worn by some thoughtless fellow traveller singing Fal De Ree Fal De Ri at the top of their voice. Bulk buying of suggestively bottled Perfumery will also be expressly forbidden much to the chagrin of the fine British tradition of the Gentleman's Mistress who gives of her favours for the very stroke of a Bowler Hat and whiff of Old Spice.

While admitting that philandery and pic-nicking may wane as a result of these draconian edicts which highlight how the bombings have absolutely no effect on the British way of life, Blur stunned the assembled Members by announcing his Ace of Spades. This will be the new no looking in a funny way at someone law, the contravention of which will be punishable by being totally ignored.

Londoners, known worldwide for their cheery chappy grins and doffing of pearly caps are said to be up in arms at the thought of having to adopt blank expressions, conveying an air of not giving a jot for anyone else, particularly someone who blocks the up escalator at Kings Cross station with an outsize suitcase while they have an urgent appointment at the nearest Starbucks to dash to.

Blur has, however, assured critics of his proposals that they have until September to express their concerns and in keeping with his new legislation, any disquiet or alternative suggestions will be completely ignored as he blindly stumbles towards ignominy and eventual, spontaneous combustion.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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