Prince William is to marry long-term girlfriend Kate Middleton next year, Clarence House has said.
William, second in line to the throne, will marry in London next spring or summer and live in north Wales, where he is serving with the RAF.
Kate will heretofor be known as Her Royal Highness Princess Catherine of Bangor. Prince Charles is delighted with the title. "Bangor! That's my boy!" he enthused.
Prime Minister David Cameron is planning to spend all night in the Mall prior to the wedding. "I did it for Charles and Di, and I sure as shit will do it again. A windbreaker, a thermos and some cheese sandwiches, and I'll be all set for a front row view."
Speculation as to the venue is rife. St. Paul's Cathedral is all but discounted due to the "bad vibes" left after his father's own nuptials. The current favourite is Balham Registry Office followed by a small reception at KFC. The young couple are both keen to keep their "ordinary credentials" intact.
Royal commentators are falling over each other to provide the most gushing comments. Dickie Arbiter, the Queen's former press secretary, told the BBC: "She'll become a service wife. Following his father's example there is no doubt in my mind that William will keep her eminently serviced."
And royal commentator Margaret Holder said she thought the marriage would give Prince William the warm, cosy, family life he wanted. "A lovely wife, millions in the bank, big house paid for by the nation... what more could an ordinary lad from London ask for?"
Kate Middleton faced the press after the announcement and was asked by our own intrepid Royal Reporter Oliver Champagne if she could remember what Prince William's original chatup line was. Without hesitation she replied,
"One was wondering whether one could give one one"?
We're all very excited.